Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Legacy

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Sooo... I'm not not writing because I don't have anything to say. I'm not writing because I don't know how to say stuff anymore. Specifically - I have a hard time saying stuff in the written word. This is frustrating to me because writing has always been the best way for me to get the extra junk out of my head. Maybe I need to practice more? Maybe any smarts leftover from chemo have been sucked out of me by the time spent watching America's Next Top Model? Probably.

Clearly, I just need to practice writing.

So ... I did Annapurna and then I went to Peru to climb mountains with 21 teenagers (11 girls from low-income areas of Florida and 10 from a village outside of Cusco, Peru), and then I went to Yosemite to hike and stuff and then I went to Colorado to emcee the Women's Leadership and Adventure Summit, and then I wen to Wisconsin to do the Racine 1/2 Ironman. All of it was awesome.

Do you see why I'm not writing much?

But really... I'm not writing because I struggle with how much truth to tell here (or anywhere). I want to be totally honest and unafraid of offending anyone or hurting anyone's feelings (which is totally stupid since NOBODY reads this blog anymore... which I kinda LOVE!) I don't want to be nego-nancy, but things are rough! Recovery is a rough process. (And - I swear to God, I am about to delete that last sentence because I realize there are people out there who will never recover and I should be GRATEFUL for this opportunity to recover... AGHHHHH. Sorry, I'm not deleting the last sentence. And I'm sorry to those of you who don't get to recover. I truly am. And I'm sorry to those that have lost someone who didn't get to recover. My heart breaks because of all of it and then I feel guilty for saying that it's rough but I honestly feel even more guilty for the way I feel. But I really am so grateful for the ability to run and ride my bike... Um... Hello, super freak! Do you see why I'm struggling???)

That being said - I refuse to write a blog post about all the things that are wrong. Which is why I haven't written.

I have been having really awful stomach cramps that cannot be explained. Like... seriously debilitating. So debilitating that they stopped me from mountain biking on a mountain biking trip! So debilitating that I started having migraines. Like, the kind of migraines where I can't see. I had two or three in a span of two or three days and that has never ever happened before so I called my oncologist and left a message... "I am having migraines and I just wanted to make sure you guys don't care about that."

So they care about that stuff. The big scary thing about breast cancer is recurrence... And my biggest fear is metastasis in the brain. Like... Seriously scares the shit out of me. So You can imagine what my reaction was when the oncologist called back and ordered me to get an MRI of my brain "stat." I had about 15 hours (cause he called me at 7 pm) between the time he called and the time I had my MRI. I had 15 hours to contemplate all of the things that come with the fear of mets to the brain.

What will I do if I have cancer in my brain? Will I have treatment? Or will I spend the last weeks/months/year(s) of my life living as fully as possible without the complications of chemo and radiation? What will I do with that time? Who will I see? What will my message be? Where willI go? What do I want to leave behind?

What do I want my legacy to be? Without a husband and children to leave a legacy with... I am on my own in creating the message I want to leave on this planet.

A lot went through my head. (Duh.)

I decided that I would see my family. Specifically, my nieces and nephews. I would spend my time with them. I would make sure they know that they are the most special of all humans on this planet. I would tell them to be secure in their amazing, beautiful selves. I would tell them that even their faults are special and specific to them. I would tell them not to be afraid. Of anything. I would tell them to travel. To connect with as many people as they could. I would tell them to to do anything and everything that makes them light up. Time is short. LIGHT UP. 

If I had enough time after communicating this message to my nieces and nephews, siblings, and parents, I would move on to my closest friends, then friends, then distant friends, then acquaintances and then perfect strangers.

What a gift, right? To have this ability (and associated fear) to contemplate my final message...

Well, to me it's a pretty rad gift. Mostly since I now know I don't have cancer growing in my brain. (Hi, big, fat, giant relief.)

But my message shouldn't change. I found it really interesting that in contemplating what I would do with the final days/weeks/months/year(s) of my life losing the 20 chemo lbs never even crossed my mind. Neither did racing another race (although climbing mountains was at the top of my list), or setting a PR on the bike, or ... Most of the things I spend most of my time thinking about.

So stupid.

So I'm changing some things. Working on the balance of being a responsible, contributing member of society with the perspective of understanding what (at this point, anyway) I want my legacy to be.

Also, I want to be more authentic here. I want to be less afraid of offending people (so please know, it's never my intention to offend anyone), I want to be secure in my amazing, beautiful self and I want to be more forward in communicating the shit that's rolling around in my coconut... Even (and especially) if no one's reading it.

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