Tuesday, October 23, 2012

And then some

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Re-reading my little blog/journal tonight (narcissistic? yeah, whatever...) and I gotta say...

I miss Africa something fierce.

I'm missing the adventure, newness, hilarity of it all. I miss having the kind of passion that I had going into it... Like "life" multiplied by 3,447... and then some.

I know that at some point this will all make a little bit more sense, but I've never really been super appreciative of being "slowed down." A gift wrapped in cancer (no, I'm not being sarcastic.)

So surgery went great. Aside from having drains for three weeks (not a big deal, really) - I recovered like a rockstar. I'm not shocked or feeling any remorse about losing my breasts or nipples. The new girls are already about as big as I want them, and I'm kinda (REALLY) enjoying having smaller breasts. I'm streamlined now...

Losing 30 pounds doesn't hurt either. I knew it was chemo induced, I knew I didn't "deserve" this weight, but it tortured me. Yes, I've been careful about what I've put in my mouth the last few weeks, but I'm not starving myself. My body is naturally returning to what it knew.

I want to run. I have, a little bit. I'm worried about dislodging something in my chest, so I'm super careful. Dr Lawton said "Don't do anything that hurts you. Listen to your body..." And as I was about to ask her the ULTIMATE question, she said, "and DON'T RUN. That would be stupid. It would hurt."

Oh... ok. No running.

Technically, I'm not doing anything that hurts.

But I will say this...

I bought new runners on Saturday. I'm ready to reap what these legs are willing to give me...

I rode my bike 23 miles today. I know that my body is back. I don't feel the "cramping" in my legs that I had going into surgery. I feel strong, stellar, fierce. I feel ready to take on the world. (I know, I have a long way to go.)

I found out yesterday that I will have 28 sessions of radiation. It broke my heart. It felt like they'd told me that I had cancer again, and all of the emotions that came with having cancer came flooding back - from losing my world tour, to losing Dan, to losing health, to losing my hair, to losing fitness... and everything in between - and more. I cried all day long. Just like I did on April 10th.

Today, as it goes, I decided I would make this work for me. It is as it is, nothing more, nothing less. This is an experience. I'm the only person I know that's had heavy chemo, light chemo, mastectomies, reconstruction, and radiation.

So I ask myself, "Ok then, what do we do?"

Make it work.

If I'm gonna have to be at the hospital every day (minus Sat and Sun) for 28 days, I will ride my bike there. I'll save gas and build my legs and make this my own.

Done.

And suddenly, I've reclaimed it. It's mine. I'll come out radiated and FIT.

Suck it, cancer.

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