Monday, September 24, 2012

Saturday, September 22, 2012



Shouldda, couldda, wouldda been the day I ran the Abel-Tasman 36k in New Zealand.

I have dreamed of New Zealand for years and years - this was going to be the one that I actually experienced it...

Or not.

Instead, I am doing the Susan Komen Race for the Cure tomorrow. A 5k. I won't run it. I'm not sure I could if I tried.

It's all been said a thousand times... not what I planed, not what I expected.

We could all say that about some time in our lives, "Things didn't turn out the way I expected them to..."

Sad story.

Live moves on.

I will get to New Zealand when it's time, when it's right.

I will run the Abel-Tasman one day.

It will be a different kind of victory for me when I cross the finish line there...

Monday, September 17, 2012

T-Minus 11 Days


I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about all this...

There was never a guarantee that I would have children, and after the events of the last few years  I'd kind of accepted that I wouldn't. That being said - it does sting a little bit - the fact that I will never breastfeed. Ever. Swallowing that, as a fact... man, it's huge.

Surgery is scary. I get really frustrated trying to figure out what happens when they put you out. It bothers me that time is just... lost. No dreams, no recollection of what they've done in the four or five hours while you were "sleeping," just ... darkness. I don't like it!

The notion of recovery is scary. I've never really been sick except for chemo and the surgery I had on my finger when I was 11 years old... So I keep thinking that recovery will feel like chemo. God, I hope it doesn't feel like chemo. God, I hope it doesn't feel worse than chemo...

Time will tell.

The strange thing is, it doesn't really freak me out. I'm not having any anxious crying spells or internal blowups. I'm ok with it. To be totally honest, the fact that I'm ok with it freaks me out more than thoughts of what is actually going to happen.

The bright side isn't so bad, either. Perky for life!!! I make no secret about the fact that I cannot imagine having made the decision to have any breast augmentation procedure sans breast cancer, ever. But since I DO have breast cancer, and it's smarter for me to have them removed, and reconstruction is covered by insurance... well HELL! Let's do this thing! My days of picking bikinis that will support my breasts are OVER! Selecting shirts based on what bra will work are a thing of the past... Seriously - it's cancer with an upside!

The surgery and reconstruction process are a trip to me. The more I know about it all, the better I feel. I'm loving the science behind it. Seeing as we're going to the extreme measure of taking my breasts, I figure we should be super safe and take my nipples too. Nipples = breast tissue = a place for breast cancer to grow... so get rid of 'em!

So basically, I have 11 more days of having nipples.

That's weird.

Again, what's weirder, it isn't freaking me out. Days keep passing and I keep just doing this thing that I'm doing. One day I'll wake up with perky, nipple-less breasts, some hair, and strong, fit legs... I'll put on a pair of slacks and a cute blouse, slap on some make-up, and go to work. Life will be "normal." Maybe the newfound appreciation for "normalcy" combined with a newfound freedom that makes me want to jump out of a cake, or out of an airplane, or into a swimming pool filled with (milka) chocolate, combined with the fact that I'm edging closer to the end of this chapter carry more weight than the notion of living a nipple-less life.

Yes. Exactly.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012